Emotional Intelligence. What is it and why do we need it?

Emotional Intelligence. What is it and why do we need it?

The definition of Emotional Intelligence or EQ is when somebody hurts us, even quite badly and we try to understand where they are coming from, and if possible, help them, instead of wanting to hurt them back.

But interestingly and far more importantly it’s also a lot more than that because possessing it is the difference between empowerment and supreme self-confidence and their energy zapping, soul-destroying and life-depleting opposites.

It’s a fascinating topic and one that is highly addictive once we get started, this is always because you and your life are the study, you, not emotional intelligence is the topic.

The best news of all is that we don’t have to be put off from starting to acquire it because we may be afraid of the time it takes to learn, I understand through my own lived experiences that often we shy away from learning that which resonates on a deep soul level because we are in so much pain we need an instant solution and studying anything feels contrary to what that which we need.

The acquisition of EQ isn’t through studying it as a subject, instead it’s something that evolves within us, effortlessly with every emotion we are willing to accept as normal, natural and inevitable.

At the root cause of all our suffering is the cycle of emotional illiteracy most of us are raised in as children, when it comes to the matter of emotions we are simply taught that our aim is be or at least appear to be ‘happy, happy, happy’ all the time because if we are not then at best we will be terribly unpopular because nobody likes a miserable so-and-so and at worst it will make us a mental health statistic because unhappy people get depression so a stay at the nearest asylum is an ever present threat.

Growing up we are literally threatened, cajoled, bribed and blackmailed into feelings something other than what we are truly feeling, this inevitably means that we emerge into adulthood loathing, fearing and avoiding anything that feels emotionally uncomfortable.

…but it gets worse.

Not only do we fear, avoid and loathe our unwanted emotions but we grow them into out of control demons when all they were to begin with were temporary visitors looking for the love, compassion and acceptance they did not receive the first time we felt them and had to plunge them down to lie unresolved in our physical bodies, depleting us of our universal life force.

Emotions and self are so intricately entwined that when we don’t trust ourselves to feel we don’t trust ourselves with anything, this gives rise to the dependence on the expert and begins the lifelong search for the answers and solutions to our emotional pain and physical disconnect externally.

The further we seek externally the further we become removed from our true core, source or essence which already has all the answers and solutions and did so all along.

The bottom line is that ignorance equals fear, it can’t be any other way and it’s perfectly reasonable to fear anything that we know nothing or very little about.

Knowledge is the greatest antidote to fear, Aristotle said that educating the mind without educating the soul is no education at all but when it comes to acquiring EQ that education is fast, fun and an absolute joy, so it never feels like a chore or something that time and energy must to be found for.

I can teach you in a remarkably short space of time how to stop forming a judgment around your uncomfortable emotions while simultaneously teaching you that the labels we give them are an invitation for those emotions to unpack, make themselves at home and subsequently prolong our misery way beyond the point of necessity.

We begin to morph effortlessly into the person we want to become when we acquire some EQ and we begin to see the world with the grace and dignity of an adult instead of through the eyes of a frightened and wounded child you will have access to all your wisdom and innate intuition, you will grow in self-belief, start to say no without feeling guilty and it will become literally impossible for another person to cause you pain or offend you.

Growth is accelerated in such a joyous way that you will witness your transformations in hours and days, it won’t be uncommon for you to wake up in the morning as one person and retire to sleep as somebody else that very same day.

You will never forget your very first growth-spurt it’s one of those delicious, life-defining, magical moments that stay with you forever, like your wedding day or the moment you held your new-born for the first time, I will always cherish mine; I was sat with a group of female friends they were discussing their issues and problems and all of a sudden somebody said something deeply wise and profound, I looked around the room to see who had imparted this nugget of wisdom, then clamped my hand over my mouth in absolute shock as I realised it was me!

I didn’t do anything you see? I’d not taken time out, I hadn’t studied anything, memorised anything or laboured over anything in order to gain access to this precious wisdom, instead all I had done is welcomed the temporary visitors with the love, compassion and acceptance my deeply buried emotions had surfaced to seek.

Why Spirituality?

Why Spirituality?

The question I get asked most frequently is; “If Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the magic bullet, the game-changer you say it is, why do you include spirituality”?

The answer can be summed in this quote by Rumer Godden

“This being human is a house of four rooms, a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

To be complete we must enter each room, each day, if only to keep it aired”.

Emotional Intelligence is the magic bullet we hope does exist and we will discover, one day but without spirituality it’s not a panacea.

Allow me to explain.

Emotionally intelligent people are fearless, they are risktakers and are far less likely to care what others think of them or allow unwanted emotions such as sorrow or disappointment to ground them, instead they manage their emotions from the viewpoint that there are no good or bad ones, right or wrong ones, that in life we have to go with the flow take the good with the bad and they understand it’s wholly unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time.

…but

EQ in the absence of spirituality often results in just as much unhappiness and a lack of fulfilment but for different reasons.

People with a high EQ are commonly very confident people with a lot of faith in their own skills and abilities, an excellent trait to own you might say and I would agree, except there is no balance when it comes to the matter of control.

We are not in control of anything, we never were and we are never going to be, but people with a great deal of EQ believe they are so consequently they are guided by mind and thinking instead of soul and feeling, the outcome is that they will often repeat the same mistakes leading to the same feelings of frustration, resentment, isolation and unhappiness that the rest of us experience, sure they will handle these episodes in a much healthier way than everyone else, drama will be kept to a minimum and they’ll be damned if they have a story of suffering or five to endlessly tell to themselves, their friends, family, partner or God forbid a therapist, they would perceive this is the ultimate failure.

Spirituality simply means to be in touch with the aspect of us that is soul, the place where our inherent wisdom and intuition emanate from, it’s that ‘gut feeling’ or that gentle voice that whispers the absolute truth in moments we least expect it such as while we are washing the dishes or driving late for work, people with a high EQ will ignore this council believing they know best, it’s also not uncommon for them to dismiss such phenomena as ‘hocus-pocus’.

To give heed to the guidance of our own soul is not woo-woo nor does it have to mean that we must buy into the spiritual stereotype of the shawled, crystal jewellery bedecked fortune teller or the vegan eco-warrior.

Spirituality is simply the personal relationship we have with our own soul, that aspect of us that is all-wise, all-knowing and understands that when we are experiencing difficulties in our life, we are simply being prepared for what we asked for.

The panacea emerges when we combine EQ with spirituality because we begin to live from soul instead of mind and start to ask ‘why is that happening for me’ instead of why is this happening to me?

Fear and victimhood cannot coexist inside this union of soul awareness and emotional intelligence.

Surrender occurs when these two forces meet so we stop fighting against that which is meant for us, we simply stop fighting full stop.

Emotional Literacy – why is it the magic bullet?

Emotional Literacy – why is it the magic bullet?

“We are all looking for a magic solution to our problems, but nobody is willing to believe in magic”

~Lewis Carroll~ from Alice in Wonderland

Our hope of the existence of a magic bullet on our spiritual, healing journey is quite understandable, after all we live our lives in a perpetual state of exhaustion and information overload.

I believe there’s also an aspect of us that feels deserving of a magic bullet, and quite right too! We are the people who are at least trying to resolve our emotional pain, something that takes a great deal of personal courage – it’s not for the faint hearted.

…but a magic bullet does exist, and its name is ‘emotional literacy’.

It’s not just magic because it has every answer and solution you are searching for, it’s magic because it doesn’t have to be learned, no time needs to be found in your hectic schedule to access it, there’s nothing to do, no journaling, rituals, practices or anything else which requires you to physically do something.

The ultimate definition of emotional literacy is when somebody hurts us, and instead of trying to hurt them back, we try to understand where they are coming from and if possible, help them.

Now this isn’t to be confused with allowing people to take the proverbial, some souls can’t and won’t be helped, the solution with these types of people is to first try, then if we don’t succeed send them packing with love.

The reason we don’t have to do anything to acquire emotional literacy, including learn it, is because Soul already possesses it in spectacular quantities.

If you are reading this you are alive and if you are alive you have a soul, that soul is aware that;

  • There is no such thing as an emotion that needs to be feared, healed, hated or avoided
  • That it’s safe to give love, compassion, expression and acceptance to all your emotions without your worst fears being realised

It’s Mind and thinking that decides if you go with what you are feeling you will end up rejected, abandoned, labelled, criticised, judged, poor and homeless.

Mind makes its decisions on the past and the messages we have internalised to remain emotionally safe and acceptable to others, so it has nothing else to base said decisions on.

…Soul on the other hand possesses wisdom and emotional intelligence beyond our wildest imagination and that wisdom pours forth from our hearts and mouths naturally and effortlessly when it finally starts hurting enough to believe in magic.

Learning to Live from Soul instead of Mind.

Learning to Live from Soul instead of Mind.

The questions we frequently ask ourselves when we are at our lowest point are, how can I…?

 Learn to love myself, and feel worthy

 Trust that The Universe has got my back

Find the courage to seek out better relationships

Stop the fear that’s preventing me from taking the leap into the freedom of self-employment

The brief answer is, you can’t while you are asking Mind to come up with the answers.

Mind hasn’t got the answers because it’s not it’s job to have them, it’s Soul’s job.

Nobody would argue that Mind isn’t a magnificent instrument, yet for all it’s wonder and the bountiful gifts it brings to the world it doesn’t possess neither the qualifications, the wisdom or the authority to guide you towards a life of freedom, fearlessness and grace.

The evidence for this can be found in our states of ‘paralysis of analysis’ when a question such as ‘why do I feel so low today?’ then becomes a heart to heart with a friend that lasts three weeks while together you search mind for a solution it’s not got.

Having shared your story with a friend, chances are you are going to feel better, but The Universe has guided you to this website because you are experiencing an awareness that your brief windows of ‘feeling better’ are always temporary.

Asking Soul ‘why do I feel so low today’ brings permanent relief from your emotional pain.

Soul’s reply is going to be one of the following

  • What’s wrong with low?
  • Because it’s natural/normal
  • It’s just something old and trapped surfacing looking for love so it can move out
  • Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?
  • Just be with it
  • Be kind to yourself
  • I love you when you are low, in the same way I love you all the rest of the time
  • Because you are disappointed, and nobody ever taught you how to be disappointed
  • ‘So’ low, does it need measuring, quantifying and labelling, can it just be ‘low’?

We long to know why we are feeling as we do so that we can then start looking for a solution, but Soul is aware that a solution doesn’t need to be found because Soul also knows that none of the things you fear if you allow the release of it through feeling it is going to happen, you are not;

  • On the road to becoming a mental health statistic
  • Going to be judged or criticised
  • Be rejected and abandoned
  • Lose your job
  • Experiencing a state of permanence.
  • …but if you continue to ask Mind for the answers all of the above will happen and the chances are if you are typical of most of my students it will, at some point in your life, have already happened, let’s not repeat it.
Why am I not healed yet?

Why am I not healed yet?

This is the question we often ask ourselves during those rare, yet excruciating moments when we are so despairing and exhausted that we are left with little choice but to take a long, hard, honest look at ourselves.

You’ve bought all the self-help books, attended dozens of courses and workshops, received healing of various modalities and spent a small fortune on talking therapies.

Yet their remains an awareness that within the three areas of your life that are most important to you – Love, money and success – there’s not much improvement, if any at all.

You still don’t love yourself and are often at the centre of conflict with others.

Money doesn’t flow abundantly, being a wage slave means you do okay, but your soul is telling you that this journey into humanness is meant to be much more than just okay.

Success eludes you, the confidence you need to leave the 9-5 and branch out with that exciting business idea eons years away.

The greatest barrier of all to healing is healing itself.

This is because there’s nothing to heal, there never was.

It was The Universe, I call her ‘Eloise’ that first put this to me, to say that hearing it was a challenge is the understatement of the century, I was outraged, angry and because this event happened only a few months after I left the world of New Age behind, I was convinced this voice had to be a demon, because in my opinion nothing other that something satanic would ever illustrate such a lack of empathy, compassion and understanding of my plight.

Of course, I had to heal! I felt utterly worthless and that was just for starters, the list was a long one.

Eloise spoke those words to me when I was lay face down, crumpled up on my bedroom floor after sliding down the wall in total exhaustion an hour earlier, tearful, deeply despondent and experiencing yet another Dark Night of the Soul I wept and pleaded ‘what more do I have to do before I am finally healed?’

I took no heed of those words, I was far too angry and because self-love was still a year or two away at this stage in my journey it wasn’t yet possible for me to have considered, even for a moment, that the voice I heard so clearly could belong to anyone on my side, I dismissed it as a naughty, mischievous spirit that had somehow managed to penetrate my carefully-constructed wall of psychic self-protection.

…but eight months and another three Dark Night’s of the Soul later I was ready to listen, I was terrified and still convinced it was a demon, but I figured I had nothing to lose because the bouts of debilitating depression and feelings of self-loathing were becoming much more frequent and more intense.

I approached my conversation with this energy like a six-year-old approaching the headmasters office at school, fingers fidgeting, knees knocking, teeth slighter a-chatter, I tentatively whispered ‘who are you?’

The voice replied, I am your soul, wisdom, your innate intuition your higher consciousness’.

I nearly died of fright and it was a further year before I attempted another dialogue, self-hatred ran too deep within me for me to believe I was worthy of being spoken to directly by the Almighty, that kind of thing only happened to successful, wealthy, spiritual people like Marian Williamson and Neale Donald Walshe.

…but open another dialogue I eventually did, but it wasn’t during these conversations I learned what I know now because these conversations were just too monosyllabic for that to have happened and you can read more about that here, I learned that there was never anything to heal when I surrendered to doing nothing when a Dark Night of the Soul presented itself, it was this along with the monosyllables of Eloise that taught me that attempting to heal ourselves is the barrier to healing.

You see doing nothing was the only option left open to me, I was determined I would not pay money I could ill afford to rent relief via a New Age healer or psychic I had done that long enough, almost two decades to know that the outcome was always temporary, and I couldn’t take it into psychotherapy supervision because I had been talking about my worthlessness and shame for just as long as I had been attempting to heal it.

So, although I felt suicidal, I was aware that I didn’t really want to die so I went with my only option which was to feel the pain, allow the tears to fall, the snot to congeal, my heart to break as the frozen energy of a thousand trapped emotions melted.

After a while I saw a clear pattern emerge, without worrying if I could feel my pain and approach it with the love and compassion Eloise was teaching me how to then ‘something’ was different, wonderful, exhilarating and miracle-like different.

Mind chatter stopped completely, and it was as if I had been given a new pair of spectacles because the world looked very different to the one before, suddenly it was a very exciting place to be, yet I still couldn’t put my finger on this ‘something’.

I recall the first time I accessed my own wisdom around this time, sitting with a group of friends, each discussing their issues and problems and suddenly I said something so profound, wise and ‘Osho-like’ my immediate reaction was to clamp my hand over my mouth while I quickly looked around to see if I could spot the person whose mouth these words had emanated from and nearly fell off my chair when I found it was me!

Eventually with everything emotion I felt with love and compassion, instead of hatred and judgment I grew, often in hours and days, it wasn’t uncommon to go to bed as one person and seemingly awake as another and that’s when it dawned on me that, that ‘something’ I was seeking to identify was fearlessness.

I was no longer afraid of what people thought of me, speaking my truth, owning how I was feeling, being judged, criticised or abandoned.

…and I finally understood that my journey wasn’t about searching for healing, it was about searching for acceptance from other people because I had none for myself.

I was never saying ‘heal me’ to my healers, psychics and psychotherapists, what I was really saying is ‘allow me to walk out of this room in an hour a much more acceptable person than the one who walked in’.

Having my uncomfortable and difficult emotions on show for the world to see meant I was not acceptable to myself and others, it meant I was simply a walking, talking breathing bag of shame.

We are shamed as early as toddlerhood when our uniqueness, our true nature and the emotions we display are brought forth spontaneously from a place of truth, honesty and authenticity that a one-year-old child exhibits, from then on, it’s all downhill to destination lies, emotional deceit and the crippling exhaustion of wearing ten masks before lunchtime.

Being told who we should be to fit in, to maintain the status quo, so the cracks don’t show and worst of all, so we don’t hold a mirror up to the pain and inadequacies of others.

There is no healing for self-acceptance and the spectre of shame that trails alongside it, instead it disappears and dies a quick and dignified death with every emotion we are willing to take ownership of and treat with the love and compassion it’s come looking for.

Sure, your worst nightmare may come true; the people you depend on the most for validation will disappear from your life, but that’s okay because within a permanent state of grace and fearlessness arrives an awareness that anybody is who is not willing to extend patience and kindness to you for as long as you need it while you fully experience pain, fear, anger and shame isn’t worthy of being in your life to begin with.

…but there’s a far greater chance they won’t click here to find out why.

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