definition of Emotional Intelligence or EQ is when somebody hurts us, even
quite badly and we try to understand where they are coming from, and if
possible, help them, instead of wanting to hurt them back.
But interestingly and far more
importantly it’s also a lot more than that because possessing it is the
difference between empowerment and supreme self-confidence and their energy
zapping, soul-destroying and life-depleting opposites.
It’s a fascinating topic and one
that is highly addictive once we get started, this is always because you and
your life are the study, you, not emotional intelligence is the topic.
The best news of all is that we
don’t have to be put off from starting to acquire it because we may be afraid
of the time it takes to learn, I understand through my own lived experiences
that often we shy away from learning that which resonates on a deep soul level
because we are in so much pain we need an instant solution and studying
anything feels contrary to what that which we need.
The acquisition of EQ isn’t
through studying it as a subject, instead it’s something that evolves within
us, effortlessly with every emotion we are willing to accept as normal, natural
At the root cause of all our
suffering is the cycle of emotional illiteracy most of us are raised in as
children, when it comes to the matter of emotions we are simply taught that our
aim is be or at least appear to be ‘happy, happy, happy’ all the time because
if we are not then at best we will be terribly unpopular because nobody likes a
miserable so-and-so and at worst it will make us a mental health statistic
because unhappy people get depression so a stay at the nearest asylum is an
ever present threat.
Growing up we are literally
threatened, cajoled, bribed and blackmailed into feelings something other than
what we are truly feeling, this inevitably means that we emerge into adulthood
loathing, fearing and avoiding anything that feels emotionally uncomfortable.
…but it gets worse.
Not only do we fear, avoid and
loathe our unwanted emotions but we grow them into out of control demons when
all they were to begin with were temporary visitors looking for the love,
compassion and acceptance they did not receive the first time we felt them and
had to plunge them down to lie unresolved in our physical bodies, depleting us
of our universal life force.
Emotions and self are so
intricately entwined that when we don’t trust ourselves to feel we don’t trust
ourselves with anything, this gives rise to the dependence on the expert and
begins the lifelong search for the answers and solutions to our emotional pain
and physical disconnect externally.
The further we seek externally
the further we become removed from our true core, source or essence which
already has all the answers and solutions and did so all along.
The bottom line is that
ignorance equals fear, it can’t be any other way and it’s perfectly reasonable
to fear anything that we know nothing or very little about.
Knowledge is the greatest
antidote to fear, Aristotle said that educating the mind without educating the
soul is no education at all but when it comes to acquiring EQ that education is
fast, fun and an absolute joy, so it never feels like a chore or something that
time and energy must to be found for.
I can teach you in a remarkably
short space of time how to stop forming a judgment around your uncomfortable
emotions while simultaneously teaching you that the labels we give them are an
invitation for those emotions to unpack, make themselves at home and subsequently
prolong our misery way beyond the point of necessity.
We begin to morph effortlessly
into the person we want to become when we acquire some EQ and we begin to see
the world with the grace and dignity of an adult instead of through the eyes of
a frightened and wounded child you will have access to all your wisdom and
innate intuition, you will grow in self-belief, start to say no without feeling
guilty and it will become literally impossible for another person to cause you
pain or offend you.
Growth is accelerated in such a
joyous way that you will witness your transformations in hours and days, it
won’t be uncommon for you to wake up in the morning as one person and retire to
sleep as somebody else that very same day.
You will never forget your very
first growth-spurt it’s one of those delicious, life-defining, magical moments
that stay with you forever, like your wedding day or the moment you held your
new-born for the first time, I will always cherish mine; I was sat with a group
of female friends they were discussing their issues and problems and all of a
sudden somebody said something deeply wise and profound, I looked around the
room to see who had imparted this nugget of wisdom, then clamped my hand over
my mouth in absolute shock as I realised it was me!
I didn’t do anything you see?
I’d not taken time out, I hadn’t studied anything, memorised anything or
laboured over anything in order to gain access to this precious wisdom, instead
all I had done is welcomed the temporary visitors with the love, compassion and
acceptance my deeply buried emotions had surfaced to seek.
The question I get asked most frequently is; “If Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the magic bullet, the game-changer you say it is, why do you include spirituality”?
The answer can be summed in this quote by Rumer Godden
“This being human is a house of four rooms, a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
To be complete we must enter each room, each day, if only to
keep it aired”.
Emotional Intelligence is the magic bullet we hope does
exist and we will discover, one day but without spirituality it’s not a
Allow me to explain.
Emotionally intelligent people are fearless, they are
risktakers and are far less likely to care what others think of them or allow
unwanted emotions such as sorrow or disappointment to ground them, instead they
manage their emotions from the viewpoint that there are no good or bad ones,
right or wrong ones, that in life we have to go with the flow take the good
with the bad and they understand it’s wholly unrealistic to expect to be happy
all the time.
EQ in the absence of spirituality often results in just as
much unhappiness and a lack of fulfilment but for different reasons.
People with a high EQ are commonly very confident people
with a lot of faith in their own skills and abilities, an excellent trait to
own you might say and I would agree, except there is no balance when it comes
to the matter of control.
We are not in control of anything, we never were and we are
never going to be, but people with a great deal of EQ believe they are so
consequently they are guided by mind and thinking instead of soul and feeling,
the outcome is that they will often repeat the same mistakes leading to the
same feelings of frustration, resentment, isolation and unhappiness that the
rest of us experience, sure they will handle these episodes in a much healthier
way than everyone else, drama will be kept to a minimum and they’ll be damned
if they have a story of suffering or five to endlessly tell to themselves,
their friends, family, partner or God forbid a therapist, they would perceive
this is the ultimate failure.
Spirituality simply means to be in touch with the aspect of
us that is soul, the place where our inherent wisdom and intuition emanate
from, it’s that ‘gut feeling’ or that gentle voice that whispers the absolute
truth in moments we least expect it such as while we are washing the dishes or
driving late for work, people with a high EQ will ignore this council believing
they know best, it’s also not uncommon for them to dismiss such phenomena as
To give heed to the guidance of our own soul is not woo-woo
nor does it have to mean that we must buy into the spiritual stereotype of the
shawled, crystal jewellery bedecked fortune teller or the vegan eco-warrior.
Spirituality is simply the personal relationship we have
with our own soul, that aspect of us that is all-wise, all-knowing and
understands that when we are experiencing difficulties in our life, we are
simply being prepared for what we asked for.
The panacea emerges when we combine EQ with spirituality
because we begin to live from soul instead of mind and start to ask ‘why is
that happening for me’ instead of
why is this happening to me?
Fear and victimhood cannot coexist inside this union of soul
awareness and emotional intelligence.
Surrender occurs when these two forces meet so we stop
fighting against that which is meant for us, we simply stop fighting full stop.
“We are all looking for a magic solution to our problems, but nobody is willing to believe in magic”
~Lewis Carroll~ from Alice in
Our hope of the existence of a
magic bullet on our spiritual, healing journey is quite understandable, after
all we live our lives in a perpetual state of exhaustion and information
I believe there’s also an aspect
of us that feels deserving of a magic bullet, and quite right too! We are the
people who are at least trying to resolve our emotional pain, something that
takes a great deal of personal courage – it’s not for the faint hearted.
…but a magic bullet does exist,
and its name is ‘emotional literacy’.
It’s not just magic because it
has every answer and solution you are searching for, it’s magic because it
doesn’t have to be learned, no time needs to be found in your hectic schedule
to access it, there’s nothing to do, no journaling, rituals, practices or
anything else which requires you to physically do something.
The ultimate definition of
emotional literacy is when somebody hurts us, and instead of trying to hurt
them back, we try to understand where they are coming from and if possible,
Now this isn’t to be confused
with allowing people to take the proverbial, some souls can’t and won’t be
helped, the solution with these types of people is to first try, then if we
don’t succeed send them packing with love.
The reason we don’t have to do
anything to acquire emotional literacy, including learn it, is because Soul
already possesses it in spectacular quantities.
If you are reading this you are
alive and if you are alive you have a soul, that soul is aware that;
is no such thing as an emotion that needs to be feared, healed, hated or
it’s safe to give love, compassion, expression and acceptance to all your
emotions without your worst fears being realised
It’s Mind and thinking that
decides if you go with what you are feeling you will end up rejected,
abandoned, labelled, criticised, judged, poor and homeless.
Mind makes its decisions on the
past and the messages we have internalised to remain emotionally safe and
acceptable to others, so it has nothing else to base said decisions on.
…Soul on the other hand
possesses wisdom and emotional intelligence beyond our wildest imagination and
that wisdom pours forth from our hearts and mouths naturally and effortlessly
when it finally starts hurting enough to believe in magic.
The questions we frequently ask
ourselves when we are at our lowest point are, how can I…?
Learn to love myself, and feel worthy
Trust that The Universe has got my back
Find the courage to seek out better
Stop the fear that’s preventing
me from taking the leap into the freedom of self-employment
The brief answer is, you can’t
while you are asking Mind to come up with the answers.
Mind hasn’t got the answers
because it’s not it’s job to have them, it’s Soul’s job.
Nobody would argue that Mind
isn’t a magnificent instrument, yet for all it’s wonder and the bountiful gifts
it brings to the world it doesn’t possess neither the qualifications, the
wisdom or the authority to guide you towards a life of freedom, fearlessness
The evidence for this can be
found in our states of ‘paralysis of analysis’ when a question such as ‘why do
I feel so low today?’ then becomes a heart to heart with a friend that lasts
three weeks while together you search mind for a solution it’s not got.
Having shared your story with a
friend, chances are you are going to feel better, but The Universe has guided
you to this website because you are experiencing an awareness that your brief
windows of ‘feeling better’ are always temporary.
Asking Soul ‘why do I feel so
low today’ brings permanent relief from your emotional pain.
Soul’s reply is going to be one
of the following
wrong with low?
just something old and trapped surfacing looking for love so it can move
you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?
be with it
kind to yourself
- I love
you when you are low, in the same way I love you all the rest of the time
you are disappointed, and nobody ever taught you how to be disappointed
low, does it need measuring, quantifying and labelling, can it just be
We long to know why we are
feeling as we do so that we can then start looking for a solution, but Soul is
aware that a solution doesn’t need to be found because Soul also knows that
none of the things you fear if you allow the release of it through feeling it
is going to happen, you are not;
- On the
road to becoming a mental health statistic
to be judged or criticised
rejected and abandoned
a state of permanence.
if you continue to ask Mind for the answers all of the above will happen
and the chances are if you are typical of most of my students it will, at
some point in your life, have already happened, let’s not repeat it.